i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
