Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
