I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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