there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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