My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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