How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
