I'd wear matching sweaters with you
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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