What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
