You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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