i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
