Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
