My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
