I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
