he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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