M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
