haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
