You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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