I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
