Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
