You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
