Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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