just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
