Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
