i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
