I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
