i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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