I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
