I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
