I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
