when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Two words: blizzard sex
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
