i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
