Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
