if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We had sex on a dog bed..
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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