he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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