Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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