My nipple is on Facebook.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
