If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
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