We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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