i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
