Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
