So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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