Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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