I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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