I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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