i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
