I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
