no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
