Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
