I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
