Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
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