Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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