he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
