Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
